Day 39

Day 39

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

This was a better day; and that in itself is a bit worrisome.  It was better because I had more “human contact”.  I exchanged emails with family members, and it always feels better to be in touch.  The guys from Habitat came by around midday, and took all the stuff I had gathered up for them.  They were very nice and polite; and said they’d gladly come back if I decide I want them to pick up anything else (thinking about one large chair).  In the afternoon my SIL came over for a brief visit. And later in the evening TGF called to let me know DSS is home from his trip, and to let me know travel arrangements for her graduation on Saturday.

In between various stuff happening, I sort of paced a bit, trying to decide what I want to do once all the stuff has been taken away that various people want.  I have a lot of stuff that I thought some people wanted, but now I’m not sure because I haven’t heard from them.  I know everyone (else) has very busy lives.  But it is a bit frustrating to sit here so much of the time alone .. but yet, when I do make any plans, I get told I’m too hard to get up with.  Well, that’s disappointing.  But if I get the opportunity to go somewhere, do something, and don’t have other plans, then I will go ahead.  I have more than enough time to sit here alone; I’m not going to pass up the chance to get out a bit just because someone *might* call or come by.

I did pay my gas and electric bills, so that was an accomplishment.  The rent was mailed.  Everything else is auto-draft or whatever it’s called.  For now it’s all covered, and I only have to worry about paying the balance to the funeral home.  I don’t know how the rest of the summer will be … I know it is going to be very hard to keep the electric bill down when the temps start going into the 90s or above .. like tomorrow is supposed to be.  I can stand it warm, never cared for the a/c to be too cold.  But will I be able to just use fans and not turn on the a/c?  I doubt it, but may not have the choice.  I’ll just have to wait and see how things go.

I feel like I must have done something else yesterday (Tuesday) .. but I don’t know what.  But at least there was enough going on to not have soggy moments.  Well, except when SIL was here.  She had a spell of talking about her big brother, and we both got weepy; but that’s not a bad thing really. 

In my email yesterday I got a message from Duke which sort of shocked me.  A lady introduced herself as the new transplant team coordinator.  She had noticed that they had not seen DH since 2013, was wondering how he was doing and could they schedule a follow up appointment.  I was tempted to ask her if she wanted me to bring in his ashes.  But, I had to remind myself .. if she was new, she had no way of knowing that someone else had not properly updated his records.  I had sent an email to the previous coordinator letting him know DH had passed away and to close his file.  Obviously he didn’t do that; the new lady apologized and said she would close the file.

I got to sleep fairly early, but didn’t sleep well.  The “extra” cat is really still a kitten .. and around 2:00 in the morning decided it was OK to play with the tree.  Maggie never really showed a lot of interest; and Butter is only interested in knocking an ornament off (and only occasionally) to play with.   I had to get up to scare him away from the tree.  I did get back to sleep; but it was very warm so I didn’t sleep as well as I usually do.  The fan in the living room doesn’t have a “high” speed (actually, it only has one speed).  I may consider getting a small fan to use when the temps go so high.  I have a nice table top size fan that isn’t being used anywhere.  We pretty much gave away most of the floor standing fans.  But I’ll figure it out as I go. 

TGF said DSS would come by today.  He had told me before he left that he’d come by this week to get the junk out of the yard and take to the dump.  But, the dump isn’t open today (though I think the landfill might be open).  In any case, if he comes it will be after taking the boys to school, so could be any time in the next hour or so.   I’m up and dressed, the litter boxes changed, the cats fed.  I need to get more coffee and get the rest of the trash bagged up.

After DSS comes and goes, perhaps today will be the day I finally clean the kitchen floor!

Day 38

Day 38

Monday, May , 2014

This was a fairly quiet ordinary day.  I exchanged emails with several people; and hung up on a telemarketer call (a recording).  That was my extent of contact.  Since I slept late, I was a bit draggy all day, no energy at all.  But I did managed to accomplish a few things.  I didn’t read … I’ve been reading too fast, and will run out of books!  I have 2 more that I know of, and there might be 1 or 2 more .. I can’t remember for sure.  I can’t read the titles, so I just touch the “blobs” and listen to see if it’s something I’ve already “read” or not.  I do have a $10 coupon for one more this month.

So, I watched my regular daytime TV junk in between small spurts of energy.

Somehow I just think I’m going to feel better once the accumulated donation stuff is gone.  It should be picked up sometime today.  There are still a few big items that  will be going to new homes, but for one reason or another I get to “store” them for now.

On days like this (Monday) I wonder why I’m bothering to write daily.  I’m going through a bit of a “blank” spell.  I just feel tired .. not sad, not happy.  Lonely at times, but that’s just something I need to get used to.  I should have already by now.  And there are days when I like my solitude.  I can do what I want … stay in pajamas until noon; eat what I want when I feel hungry;   I can stay up late if I want to .. although I realize my body doesn’t particularly like to do that!  I’d love to be able to sleep late, but I just keep waking up. 

I don’t have anything planned for today, except perhaps water the plants.  If the truck comes early enough, maybe this afternoon I’ll finish exchanging candles; otherwise I’ll just sit around and wait.

The “extra” cat is still in the house.  Last night I ate a nuked meatloaf, and dropped the plastic dish on the floor as I often do for Butter to lick it.  He doesn’t like “people food” but does love gravy or sauce.  Later, to my surprise, the “extra” cat was right beside my chair working on what was left on that dish.  He’s not hungry .. since he’s been free to roam the house, he has access to the cat food.  I might have been able to reach down and get him … but most likely if I’d tried he’d have bolted.  As it was, as soon as I moved he streaked off.  I do have a plan, of sorts.  But it would take tricky timing.  First I need to leave the door to the back bedroom open.  I think he’d go in there, because he still thinks it’s an escape route.  But I’d have to do it while the other cats are in the back hall, and shut Maggie in the guest room.  Then I can shut the bedroom door, and move the board blocking the hole.  I think the cat would go on out by himself.  If I do it any other time, the other cats would come in.  And the whole thing would depend on my getting him to go into the room at the right time.  This really is getting ridiculous.  It’s stupid to have that cat roaming the house, but terrified to let me near it!

It’s still early, but daylight.  I guess I’ll go on and get showered and start the day.

Day 37

Day 37

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunday was an odd mixture of good and frustrating.  Since TGF had never called, I spent the morning wondering what was going on, when (or if) she was coming.  I did get up earlyish; and I spent a bit more time getting the porch a bit neater looking.  There’s still more I’d like to get done, but it involves moving pots that are too heavy for me.  I hope someday my handtruck will be returned, but I’m not holding my breath.  TGF tends to “borrow” things but doesn’t like to return them, even when I ask.

I didn’t get much else done.  Not knowing what was happening, I didn’t want to get started on something and have to stop in the middle.

TGF and the 2 youngest boys got here about 2:00.  She had completely forgotten me on Saturday (had much more fun things to do). 

The boys decided to try to flush out the “extra” cat.  So they closed the kitchen door and started running around calling the cat.  Yeah, right, that’ll make it come out … NOT! 

She goofed on her timing, so we got to the play a little late .. about 2/3 into the first act.  We had to sit in the balcony until intermission.  But the seats we had (a friend had given the tickets to her) were front row center!  So the 2^nd act was good, and I could mostly tell what was going on.  And we could hear Really well!! 

After the play she brought me on home.  It was only around 6:00 by then, and the rest of the evening was quiet.  I started a new book, and sat up WAY too late listening to it.  It surprised me to stay awake, and just kept going.  I think I stopped around 2:00 .. it’s been many years since I stayed up that late.

This morning I remembered why. L  I woke with daylight, about 6:30 .. with a headache.  I turned the TV on, sound low but not off … and went on back to sleep for a couple more hours.  The headache went away, but I feel draggy.  I’m working on getting up the energy to get in the shower.  I really want to get the Easter things boxed up and back upstairs; go through some cabinets in the back hall for more discards; water the plants; do a load of laundry; bring some things down from upstairs; put up the Easter candles and get out ones to replace them … and right this minute I lack the energy or motivation to do any of that. 

I will start with  the shower and see how the day goes

Day 36

Day 36

Saturday, May 3, 2014

I wonder when .. if .. I will learn that there are some people who just can’t be counted on.  Sometimes they do what they say they wil.  And sometimes they don’t.  And that’s just the way it is.  In my case, I’m simply not a priority.  That’s fine.  But I don’t understand why a little bit of communication is asking so much.

So anyway, Saturday was a quiet day.  I did do a bit of work on the porch in the morning, but not nearly what I thought I would do.  If I can get myself out early enough in the morning, I can manage.  Once the sunlight (although never any direct sun) gets to the porch, it gets so bright that it’s difficult.  And that sounds like I just never go outside .. not true.  Something about the way it reflects … and maybe it’s nothing more than being too hard to face the bare ugliness out there.

Whatever, I need to get it done.  I don’t know when (if actually if) the lady will contact me about helping.  And I can’t let things just sit and wait.  And yet, I’m having a hard time making myself go out and take care of it. 

I have noticed that if a person whines and begs and wheedles, they can often get what they want.  But I’ve never been very good at that.  I’m fine with whining .. here.  But I more often than not will try to put on a “cheerful face” and say everything is fine when asked.  I don’t like to have to “beg” for help.  I guess I expect to be asked if I need anything … but the ones that could help are the ones who not only don’t ask, they make sure I know how busy and unavailable they are. 

I do not like myself when I grumble.  But I get so sad and then can’t help it.  I assume this is all part of the process of adjusting to my “new life”.  It seems unfair to have to adjust to being alone and losing my vision at the same time.  Well, no one ever said life was fair.

I did get a load of laundry done, and mostly put away.  I went through a drawer and weeded out a few more things for the donation boxes.  I found a pretty pair of lace curtains, so changed out the ones in the bathroom.  That window is narrow and a bit odd.  It looks out over the corner where another room sticks out, and a corner of the hvac unit.  There used to be shrubs in that corner that screened the window, giving it some privacy but letting in light.  No more.  I used to open up the shutters on the bottom half.  So I changed to the sheer curtains, and opened the blinds slats on the top.  It’s not as much light, but better than none while maintaining privacy.

I gathered up most of the Easter decorations, but haven’t gotten down the box for them yet.  I pulled out the few candles that need to be changed, but haven’t replaced them either.  I have to pull out all the candle boxes to determine what colors are in them so I can exchange them; and I just haven’t bothered yet.   It seems a bit silly to “decorate” when I can’t see well enough to enjoy; and no one else seems to notice.  Well, “no one” is mostly TGF or my SIL.  My DIL does notice; but she lives too far away to just drop in or take me to run errands.  As seems to be typical, the “visitors” have slacked off a lot.  Wait.  What visitors?  My DIL stayed with me the first week after DH passed away, and then took me to her house for a weekend.  From that time, it’s not been visiting, so much as just taking me back and forth to their hous.  My SIL did finally come over, but not until a project was finished .. so I didn’t even hear from her until this week.  TGF .. she stopped by the day of the storms.  She hasn’t come by to “visit” at all.  One person I thought was a friend has deserted me altogether.  Another is too far away for “casual visiting”.  The rest of my family all live too far away and/or have very busy lives.

And yes, I’m whining again.  I have to learn to live alone.  Period.  I can’t expect anyone to just pop over and “keep me company”.  It doesn’t work that way.

It would be nice if I could afford an apartment in a nice retirement community.  But that will not happen.  When I am forced out of here, I’ll most likely be stuck with an income-based rental public housing.  Which means a crappy cardboard one bedroom with bugs, noisy neighbors, no pets and I doubt I’d even feel very safe. 

I need to get in the shower and find something to do.  And not *think* so much.  There’s at least a small chance that TGF will come over after church (that is, if she bothers to get up in time for church .. seems to be about 50/50 on that).  She invited me to a play at the local little theater .. but never told me what time.  Actually, what she said was someone had given her 4 tickets; and since she didn’t think her boys were interested, she had to find people to give the tickets to!  Well, not exactaly an “invitation”! LOL!  But if she is wrong and her boys want to go, then I wouldn’t get to .. I can’t even guess how that will go.

If I don’t hurry up and get out of this pity-party-pool, I won’t even need a shower.

Day 36

Day 36

Friday, May 2, 2014

The workmen showed up early in the morning, and were here most of the day.  My yard looks so ugly now.  I’m so sad; but … I have no right to complain about what the landlord does (or has done) to his property when I’m unable to maintain it myself.  But I truly do not understand why the level of destruction.  It wasn’t enough to chop every single shrub around the house .. and around the pump house … and a few that weren’t near anything … all the way down to the ground.  Then they went back over the areas with the weedeater … even mowed down all the irises, either blooming or about to do so.  They even chopped off a clematis in a pot!

My SIL got here around 10:00, and went out and yelled at them to not dare touch anything inside the planter boxes beside the driveway.  I have no idea if they would have or not, but they didn’t touch those .. so a rose, a poplar tree, and a (small) wisteria are “safe”.  Also anything planted in with them (not sure what, but I think some irises, and some daisies in one box).  They also cut down a pecan tree off the back side .. I have no idea what was the problem with that.  But at least they didn’t cut down the entire line of trees and large bushes.

They made a big pile of what appears to be junk that they moved away from the back of the house when they cut everything.  That’s embarrassing .. I’d been trying for years to get DSS to let me use the trailer (that belonged to DH to start with!!) so I could haul off trash.  But he always had excuses .. it was full of something or other, it was being used … so my yard never got really well cleaned when I could see what I was doing.  Now I’m stuck having to get someone else to do it, or help me do it, and I don’t even know what all that junk is.  As far back as I can remember, DSS has considered our home (meaning where DH and I lived, not necessarily where DSS lived at any given time) an appropriate place to just dump *stuff*.  Not that I’m saying that’s all of the junk.  Some was DH’s too. And some was just random stuff that accumulated.  At one time, when I had a friend who actually helped me do stuff, it was mostly consolidated at the back of the house.  I still want it gone.  But I did tell the landlord that DSS said he’d bring the truck and trailer next week (true story) and haul off all the stuff from the back and the porch that needs to go.

I haven’t heard from the cleaning lady yet who said she’d come help me finish cleaning the porch.  I can’t wait for her, there’s still a lot of trash and junk that the boys “missed”. The forecast is for it to be sunny by this afternoon, so maybe I’ll try to get at least some of the trashy stuff either bagged or put in the trash cans.

My SIL got here about 10:00, and after yelling at the guys in the yard we decided it would be best to just leave.  We headed to town, and made a quick stop at the little shop in town that I love.  She had never been in there.  Then we headed for the grocery store; but on the way we came to the new location of my favorite thrift store, so stopped in there.  Unfortunately, with “improved” space evidently comes higher rent .. because the place had a much higher class look to it, and prices to match.  I won’t be shopping there again I think.  We went on to the grocery store.  I didn’t have a list; but SIL was very good at going isle by isle and reading out what was there so I could say if I needed something or not.  I did get some of the “junk” food I love .. but I think I was fairly restrained, knowing it has to last.  I was way under my budget, and shouldn’t need anything for a couple of weeks.  Hopefully, anyway!

After we got the groceries put away, SIL went on home.  I could hear the chain saws going for a long time .. cutting down te tree, and then moving it.  And the big bull dozer did something in the driveway next door, at least that what it seemed like.  I found that irritating .. several years ago I spent way too much on some truckloads of a sand/gravel mix to try to improve the driveway.  Since I couldn’t get it actually graded, my effort was a waste of money … grass even grew back worse than it had been before.  So for the dips in their side of the drive to get worked on seemed unfiar.  But to be fair (though I don’t want to be), the guy next door was probably only doing it himself before he had to return the equipment.  But he could have smoothed my ned as well. (

The rest of the afternoon I mostly just listened to a book.  No, I didn’t clean anything.  I’m So good at excuses my own self.  This afternoon TGF and the boys will come by to see if they can help flush out the stray cat that I *think* is still in the house. The boys also need to pick up a game that, when they were told not to have on the floor (because I can’t see the pieces and step on them), they only pushed it off to one side.

Tomorrow TGF is taking me to a pperformance of “Oliver” at the local little theater.  She says the boys don’t want to go … of course, if she’s wrong, my invitation could get cancelled.  I won’t hold my breath.  It would be fun, but I’ll just wait and see what happens.  I don’t know what time (evening or matinee?), so don’t know if I’ll have time for anything on Sunday. 

That leaves me Monday to do a quick “sweep” of the house to see if there’s anything else to add to the donation pile, including upstairs.  Someone will come Tuesday to pick up the stuff.  I’d really like, for a change, to not have a growing pile of stuff to get rid of.

For a brief time last night .. before settling in to go to sleep … I had both the TV and my book off.  And it was Sooooo quiet.  I hadn’t realized how much ambient noise came from the bushes brushing up aginst the house.

I’m not really afraid to be here alone, I never have been.  At times I feel edgy or nervous .. but I think I would anywhere.  It’s just something I have to learn to deal with.  I hope it will be a very long time before I’m not able (physically or financially) to be on my own.  After leaving school and going to work, I briefly had a little apartment .. and talked my BFF into sharing it.  After she moved back home, I moved back to my parent’s house.  From there I moved in with my grandmother; and then got married; and then had a child to raise.  He was 8 when I married DH (who later adopted my son).  So .. I’ve never really lived alone, and without any responsibilities to any other person.  It’s very weird.  It also doesn’t feel “real” yet.  DH was in and out of hospitals to many times, that I’ve actually spent a lot of time here literally alone.  And for his last year, he got to where he spent more and more time sleeping .. so it felt “alone” even when it wasn’t.  So the feeling of being alone is familiar.  I just can’t completely wrap my head around DH being gone.    I always vaguely feel like I’m waiting for something.  I think maybe I need to start giving serious thought to finding a time to take him to the Outer Banks .. maybe I just need that “final good bye”.  But I get choked and weepy when I start thinking about it, so haven’t even tried yet to find a date that suits others.  I want to wait until school is out so that any of the grands that want to go will be able.  And I don’t even know when school is out.

Perhaps I’ll think about that next week.  After the donation stuff is gone and then I get the house clean.

I suppose I should go on and get this day started.  I wish I could just sleep late; but it just doesn’t happen.  At least I’m not waking up in the middle of the night.  For a while I thought if I slept past 6:00 .. 7:00 at the latest .. I was wasting daylight and should be up and doing stuff.  Now there doesn’t seem to be much point .. it only makes the day longer.  I know there are lots of things I need to do, and things I could be doing.  There just doesn’t seem to be much reason to bother.  I have no motivation.

I guess there have just been way too many cloudy days (coupled with destroying my yard).  I need to get a shower, start some laundry, put away the Easter stuff, and work on getting the porch more presentable (piles of empty pots or dead plants isn’t very appealing .. but I need to get everything cleaned up before I work on potting up some new plants.)  Maybe if I can get the porch looking decent today, tomorrow I can ask TGF to take me by Wal-Mart for some petunias.  That’s my favorite plant .. maybe some flowers will make me feel happier.

And with that as my goal, I will get this day going.

Day 35

Day 35

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Yesterday (Thursday) was a very odd day, and not a very good one.  I almost wrote about it last night; but decided it might be better to put some “distance” in to sort out what I’m thinking.  I feel like I over reacted to a situation … so I have to try to figure out why.

Around mid morning the landlord came to the door.  He told me he was bringing some guys to prune the bushes around the house that were over grown.  I’ve tried and tried, and I can’t remember the *exact* words he used, but that was certainly my impression.  It felt like he was being helpful, sending someone to take care of things I’d been unable to get done.

Two guys (one of them our neighbor – whom I’d been told was a very good landscaper) worked around the house all day.

No problem, right?  Wrong!!!  They cut everything  … every single shrub … right down to the ground.  That includes a gorgeous flowering wigelia.  That includes a lovely forsythia that was out on the front corner and could not possibly have been in the way of anything.  That even includes the large cree myrtle tree out near the pumphouse.  I can’t see well enough to tell what, if anything, they did to any of the things growing in planters along the driveway.

But I am so devastated … the severity of what they did just feels to unnecessary, like such “overkill”.  I don’t know if my vision, or my renting here, will last long enough for some of those things to ever be pretty again.

But, I do wonder why I reacted so strongly.  It’s not *my* property; and I am not able to keep it up (I’ve said for a long time that the inability to keep up with such a big yard could push me out of here long before any problem with the house itself could).   Nothing (as far as I can tell) was totally ripped out, so things should regrow even if slowly.  And even if they trampled the bulbs blooming or about to bloom this year, the bulbs will come back next spring.

Am I “transferring” emotions I’ve held in check?  Was this like a “last straw” type reaction?  Do I just feel angry and sad because I feel to helpless (as in it’s not my property, so I can’t get mad)?  I don’t know.

The neighbor lady came over for a short visit.  That was very weird, as she only had the little one (I think he’s around 2 or 3) with her, so no translator. She tries, and I try, but communication is very hard.  I guess she came because her husband was one of the workers .. she and the baby were out in the yard with them most of the afternoon I think.  That also made me feel a little uncomfortable.  I have this thought way in the back of my head that they’d love to force me out .. one person in this big house .. maybe trade houses.  I would not do that; if they persuaded the landlord that their family of 6 had more “right” to this house than me, I’d be moving elsewhere.

My SIL called in the afternoon.  She had not been able to come over because she had to go to a funeral.  I told her about the yard, and she can’t understand why I don’t (or didn’t) complain about what they were doing.  Really??  Like I had any say in the matter???  I don’t think so.

Anyway, she’s coming over this morning. We’re going out to the “burn pile” and see if we can find any of the cut off branches of the wigelia and forsythia to try to root.  Then she’s going to take me to the grocery store.

I’m still having a problem with the cats, and it’s making me crazy.  I can’t feed them outside because of those blasted dogs.  But when I try to feed them in the back hall, they keep darting into the house.  I thought they were all accounted for .. but then late last night, there was one in the kitchen.  It let me pick it up and pet, but only briefly.  Not long enough to carry to the door.   So, it’s somewhere in the house.  I wanted to mop the kitchen floor this morning .. but there’s a distinctive (unpleasant) smell in there this morning.  I have to wait for SIL to help me locate what needs to be cleaned before I try to sweep or mop!  And I still have to figure out how to get that dratted cat out!

And then, I woke up this morning to what sounded like a scratching noise.  It *seemed* to come from the back bedroom.  I haven’t opened the door … totally scared to find that some critter has found a way around the blocked hole in the wall.  I know I didn’t shut either of my cats in there, because they’re accounted for; and I haven’t opened that door since in the afternoon.

I know that one of the things I have to come to terms with is living here (or anywhere) alone and dealing with whatever comes up on my own.  That means the yard, any critters, cleaning the house, paying the bills, getting to doctor appointments, picking up my eye drops, etc.  And really, the only difference between now and how the last few months with DH is that DSS doesn’t call frequently to ask how his dad is doing. 

OK, sometimes writing things out is not a good idea, as I let myself start getting depressed or frustrated all over again.  I can’t do some of the things I wanted to do this morning; but I can go on and get ready (as in fit to be seen in public!), and just deal with the day as it comes. I’m not sure walking around the yard with SIL is going to be a good thing … I’ll likely get upset over what was done all over again, because it will make her angry.  But I’ll just have to deal with that too.

After I get some groceries, I will try to get into the habit of eating breakfast … hopefully that will help me be in a better frame of mind.

Day 34

Day 34

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

This (Wednesday) was a better day.  I’m not stupid enough to think I will have “good” days from now on .. but it’s encouraging to believe that the “bad” days will be farther apart.  We did not have the severe storms like yesterday;; but it did thunder and rain off and on until very late n the afternoon. The sun did not come out, but the last hour or so of daylight was brighter.

I can’t say I “did” a lot.  But I’m not on a time clock either.  I finally finished putting up all of the laundry I’ve gotten done.  And my “big” accomplishment was switching area rugs, including a lot of vacuuming.

I made a list of random things I want to get done, and will just check them off as I get to them .. no particular order or time frame.

I sent out a lot of emails; and I got answers to most of them, so I didn’t feel too far “’out of touch”.  A lady from hospice bereavement called to “check on me”.  I am unlikely to take advantage of their services … but then, I could change my mind.  It will be available for up to 13 months.  If I get a spell of being really down, I can call.  But chances are, I’d turn to family first.  I’m not ruling out anything.

A friend called and we had a nice long chat.  And, TGF called in the evening and we had a short chat.  And, almost forgot, SIL called in the afternoon.  She apologized for not coming over .. but I had not expected her to in bad weather.  Perhaps today (Thursday).

All in all, even though I never actually saw a single person, I didn’t feel so alone.  And considering it was a gloomy darkish day, I felt like that as an accomplishment!

This morning DSS is coming by to pick up some trash that got left (in the outside cans).  I got on up and dressed early, so if he has time he can come in.  Since I had the door open, I decided to go on and feed the cats.  Now I’m so frustrated … I may have to stop feeding the outside cats (they were originally strays, born under the porch).  That just breaks my heart.  But there is no possible way to feed them outside because of those dratted dogs.  I tried feeding them in the back hall … but they insist on darting past me into the house.  Apparently the ONLY way I can do it is to get them in to eat … but then go the long way around to open the back door from outside to let them back out.  Meantime, for now, one (or two, not even sure) are in the den.  They’ve bustd out the screen part of the door (OK, not “out”, but pulled it loose from the bottom … enough they can go through it), so I raised the glass and shut the kitchen door.  I’m hoping that they’ll get brave enough to come out of hiding, discoverr the door, and go on out.  I can’t figure out why they do it anyway … they don’t seem to actually want to be in the house.  I know, I know .. curiosity and all that.  Still.

Meantime, I have to keep the kitchen door shut so they don’t try to run in the other direction and get in the house.  I’ve blocked their “escape route”; and if one gets in and goes to the front (porch) door, I can’t open it for them because when I come near they run away again.  It is SO frustrating.

I don’t know what I’m going to do today.  I think I will do one load of laundry.  I’m trying hard to wait until I have a full load, so not waste water and electricity.  Today I have enough (by throwing in towels too .. can’t stand having them lay around damp, and it would take a whole week to accumulate enough by myself for a load).  Dishes are done (very few of them for just myself; but that will have to change, because I have to figure out a way to cook for myself .. the frozen dinners are going to be much too expensive to keep getting). 

I want to change the table setting, so will probably iron a tablecloth to use.  I need to pack up the Easter decorations; but I don’t really want to change over to “summery” quite yet, so  I won’t change anything but the candles that have bunnies on them.  Everything else is spring.  I hate that I can’t change the tree, but would need help.  And I quit turning on the lights to save on the electric  .. and I just hate that, I miss seeing my pretty tree.  Maybe I’ll get someone to help me reset the timer so it will be on for at least a little while in the evening.  In fact, if my SIL does come over today, maybe I’ll get her to help me ut more of the pastel (spring) balls on the tree.

I need to get a few things from upstairs; but maybe it’s a bit early to bring down my suitcase! 

I just heard the school bus, so it’s close to 8:00.  I think DSS will be here soon.  And after he goes, I will finish listening to a book; and then figure out what I’ll do today.